Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No Offense...

Well, I have been having some moments of wondering if I will EVER be ready for baby #2.  I am not pregnant, so don't start thinking that's why I look thicker than normal.  In fact, just the other day I was at Wal-Greens giving them the $80 that my insurance won't pay for my birth control and the lady behind the counter says, "Looks like you have to pay full price.  Darn."  As I swipe my card I say, "Cheaper than a baby."  She laughed hysterically like I had said a joke.  No, mam, I've done the math-- trust me, it's cheaper.

Anyway, the other day on Kathie Lee and Hoda's extra hour to the Today Show (why oh why do I watch this?), Kathie Lee says to someone that she was prepared to love her second child, but was unprepared for the beauty of watching her children love one another, or something like that... maybe she was paraphrasing someone else??  That gives me some hope.  But I'm pretty sure that I should have more hope than that found on the Today show before I go jumping into things.

I used to say that I hoped I would get pregnant on accident because I was pretty sure I would never intentionally try and get pregnant.  I have had such a horrible go on birth control-- which is why I pay $80 a month for one that doesn't make me feel like crap-- and Dave and I did Natural Family Planning, (very successfully by the way-- I love the book Taking Control of Your Fertility)-- for several, several months before we "tried" to get pregnant with Dekker.  So it was possible that we would get pregnant on accident, but we didn't.   Where am I going here... ... I guess I just wanted to say that I am so glad that we did get pregnant with Dekker (intentionally or not) because he is such a joy in my life.  He is incredible.  And we did intentionally try because I had come to that place in my heart where I wanted a baby (especially after the miscarriage)-- even though I was NOT completely at peace about it.  I was a nervous wreck-- but it was okay-- better than okay, actually.  Now I'm wondering if I will ever come to that place in my heart again.  It almost makes me sad.

I do baby math at amazing speed.  And I know that if I want Dekker and his future brother/sister to be 2 years apart that I need to get pregnant this summer.   And that's not happening according to my plans.  Then I think-- 2 1/2 or 3 years apart?  Could I get pregnant between this winter and next summer.  Maybe.  Will I ever have a peace about this?  My friend once told me that she woke up one day and everything in her life was no longer baby.  Her little girl had grown up so fast and suddenly she just wanted another baby.  I am honestly praying that I will get to that place in the next year.  And who do I think I am?  I hope I can get pregnant as easily as I did anyway.

I worry about having to go through some of the awfulness again.  Like what if I miscarry?  What if I can't get pregnant?  I got really anxious at every ultrasound.  What if my second baby cries all day?  I almost cry thinking about that!  How would I take care of a screaming baby AND a toddler?  Or a not screaming baby for that matter.  In some ways I want a second baby to re-do a lot of those first 6 months.  I want to replace those awful memories and depression with something wonderful.  But what if that doesn't happen?  The chance that it won't is enough to keep shelling out $80 a month at the Wal-Greens counter with the not-so-funny-lady.

Then I think about how having a baby will change my relationship with Dekker and I want to cry again.  (Man, maybe I am pregnant-- so emotional.)  Nope, I am just not ready.  If I got pregnant tonight, I would be ready in 9 months.  But my heart just isn't beating that way.

Before I got a dog I had a lot of friends encourage me to get a dog.  And all I could think about was the extra money for all that dog food, and not being able to travel on a whim, and coming home to let it out all the time, and making sure it got walks, and all that money at the vet and at the kennel.  Then I got a dog and all that seemed much less important.  We found the money, the time, and even enjoyed the walks.  Oh, she was a pain sometimes, but it was alright because we love the heck out of her.  I had no idea how much I would love the unconditional love she would give me, and how rewarding it would be to teach her to walk on a leash, and how much I would depend on her when Dave traveled (for a month at one point).  I remember apologizing to a few people who I had so staunchly said I would NOT get a dog too.  In hindsight, I was somewhat offensive.

I remember before we had a baby it was the same way.  We very much over-estimated the bad-- all that money on diapers, the baby weight, the all night feedings, colic, depression, the way it would change our relationship with friends and family.  And all those things were true (very, very true).  But I very much under-estimated the good.  Again, all those things seemed less (at least in hindsight) under the light of baby smiles and cooing, teaching a baby to roll, sit and stand.  The way my son looks at me and cuddles with me at bedtime.  The way he reaches for me, smiles at Dave, leans in for an open mouth kiss with the dog, and raises his right hand while he sucks his left thumb.  I never knew how much I would love his cheeks and his full head of hair and his amazing blue eyes.  I remember apologizing to some family that had encouraged us to have kids.  In hindsight, I was somewhat offensive to them too.  I just didn't get it.

So here I sit today.  In the same seat I think.  I am worried about all hard details of having a second child.  And I think that someday I will look back and, hopefully, all the honest details of baby #2 will pail in comparison to the joy he/she shares in our family.  Maybe even this blog post will be somewhat offensive.  And, according to Kathie Lee, I will be unprepared for the way Dekker loves this baby.  That makes me smile.

Some of you have baby #2 (or three or four) .  How did you know when you were ready?  Or is it like my experience with Dekker-- I had a desire and God gave me the peace much, much later?  Like years later...

On the journey,



  1. As I was reading this post and thinking about my thoughts when we decided we were "ready" (whatever that means!) for a 2nd baby. I have to admit it was tough, I thought about would Blakely love the new baby, what if she didn't, etc etc?? As I look back on all of those thoughts and worries I have to laugh. It has been wonderful (after the first 2 months!, ha). In my heart I always knew I wanted more then 2, so low and behold 3 years after the 2nd one came along, I think we knew (kind of!) that we were ready (whatever that means, ha ha!) for the 3rd one! I wouldn't change a thing about any of it. Yes, it has it's challenges, but the joys are so great, they always outweigh the other. I feel so blessed to have those 3 precious girls and seeing them love one another is the best gift I could ever receive, WOW!

  2. I think sometimes we think of peace the way we do about everything...it should be instant gratification. I don't remember how we decided we were ready for baby #2, but I will say that the minute I found out I was pregnant, I FREAKED out. I wondered what the heck I was thinking. But that only lasted a week, and the peace came again. I think if we remember that as much as we can do about trying or trying not to have a baby, it truly is up to the Lord. That's the only explanation for why some people get pregnant without trying and why it takes some people three years of doing everything they know how before they get pregnant. All this to say is that the Lord knows. Pray for peace and wisdom, but don't ever ever worry about it. God has a plan for even this aspect of your family.

  3. I just always appreciate your honesty about babies and life in general. Keep sharing - it makes the rest of us feel like we're not alone in how we feel too!

  4. I don't know how you ever know when you are ready. I guess for me it is one of those things where I just feel ready. I think much in the same way you felt ready to try when you got pregnant with Dekker (in spite of any other thing that had happened to that point), with second and third babies it's probably the same way. I have been just as excited with every pregnancy (planned or not-so-planned) as I was with Holden. My excitement also comes with trepidation--but that is more about my history and not so much about the other things that in hindsight don't matter as much as you think they do at the time (the sleepless nights, the postpartum rollercoaster, and even the expense).

  5. For me, I just knew. I had the itch again. Honestly, I don't think much about the cost of another child because as they say "If you wait to have children because of money, you'll never have them." I just know I want my children to be close-ish in age.

  6. I've been thinking about this a lot...I may have had a bit of inspiration. :) I think you are ready for another baby when you stop thinking about all the pregnancy and postpartum woes, the work that comes with an infant and the money the baby will cost you and when you start to feel a desire for another PERSON in your family. I'm nervous about all the baby work I'm going to have to do in a few months, but I can't WAIT to meet this person and see how this person fits in our family.

    Of course, everyone is different, but I think that this line of thinking is a real start. Until you get to this point, don't sweat it! :)

  7. I keep thinking I'm not ready for another, but when I think about the future, and see friends with kids who playing together so well and really developing great skills with their siblings, that's when I almost feel like I am being selfish by not wanting another right away. Ultimitely it will be great no matter what you decide!! I think Kirk and I are going to start trying this fall sometime...Ready or Not, here I come!

  8. I was NOT ready when I got pregnant with Jacob. But after a month or so you just get used to the idea and start thinking about life with 2 kids. It IS a lot of fun to see the 2 kids interact. I was much more laid back with the pregnancy because I had been there before. I knew what was normal and what was not. As far as the MSPI....Jacob is much more sensitive to milk and soy but I think since I knew more of what to watch for, he's been a happier baby than Dailee was. I know so much more now about what foods to stay away from that he ended up with less screaming nights. The first child is definitely an experiment child! ha! Poor Dailee! =) Hope that helps!

  9. Thanks Misty. I have heard the second MSPI baby is better. Even if more sensitive, not learning a whole new diet and dealing with a shredded intestinal system has got to be better! I think I just let Dekker's get way out of hand. I thought maybe all babies just cried that much :( And I do like to hear about people NOT being ready with a happy ending. Thanks for your honesty.