No Offense...

Well, I have been having some moments of wondering if I will EVER be ready for baby #2.  I am not pregnant, so don't start thinking that's why I look thicker than normal.  In fact, just the other day I was at Wal-Greens giving them the $80 that my insurance won't pay for my birth control and the lady behind the counter says, "Looks like you have to pay full price.  Darn."  As I swipe my card I say, "Cheaper than a baby."  She laughed hysterically like I had said a joke.  No, mam, I've done the math-- trust me, it's cheaper.

Anyway, the other day on Kathie Lee and Hoda's extra hour to the Today Show (why oh why do I watch this?), Kathie Lee says to someone that she was prepared to love her second child, but was unprepared for the beauty of watching her children love one another, or something like that... maybe she was paraphrasing someone else??  That gives me some hope.  But I'm pretty sure that I should have more hope than that found on the Today show before I go jumping into things.

I used to say that I hoped I would get pregnant on accident because I was pretty sure I would never intentionally try and get pregnant.  I have had such a horrible go on birth control-- which is why I pay $80 a month for one that doesn't make me feel like crap-- and Dave and I did Natural Family Planning, (very successfully by the way-- I love the book Taking Control of Your Fertility)-- for several, several months before we "tried" to get pregnant with Dekker.  So it was possible that we would get pregnant on accident, but we didn't.   Where am I going here... ... I guess I just wanted to say that I am so glad that we did get pregnant with Dekker (intentionally or not) because he is such a joy in my life.  He is incredible.  And we did intentionally try because I had come to that place in my heart where I wanted a baby (especially after the miscarriage)-- even though I was NOT completely at peace about it.  I was a nervous wreck-- but it was okay-- better than okay, actually.  Now I'm wondering if I will ever come to that place in my heart again.  It almost makes me sad.

I do baby math at amazing speed.  And I know that if I want Dekker and his future brother/sister to be 2 years apart that I need to get pregnant this summer.   And that's not happening according to my plans.  Then I think-- 2 1/2 or 3 years apart?  Could I get pregnant between this winter and next summer.  Maybe.  Will I ever have a peace about this?  My friend once told me that she woke up one day and everything in her life was no longer baby.  Her little girl had grown up so fast and suddenly she just wanted another baby.  I am honestly praying that I will get to that place in the next year.  And who do I think I am?  I hope I can get pregnant as easily as I did anyway.

I worry about having to go through some of the awfulness again.  Like what if I miscarry?  What if I can't get pregnant?  I got really anxious at every ultrasound.  What if my second baby cries all day?  I almost cry thinking about that!  How would I take care of a screaming baby AND a toddler?  Or a not screaming baby for that matter.  In some ways I want a second baby to re-do a lot of those first 6 months.  I want to replace those awful memories and depression with something wonderful.  But what if that doesn't happen?  The chance that it won't is enough to keep shelling out $80 a month at the Wal-Greens counter with the not-so-funny-lady.

Then I think about how having a baby will change my relationship with Dekker and I want to cry again.  (Man, maybe I am pregnant-- so emotional.)  Nope, I am just not ready.  If I got pregnant tonight, I would be ready in 9 months.  But my heart just isn't beating that way.

Before I got a dog I had a lot of friends encourage me to get a dog. 

Easter Eve Eve

Well, tonight is the eve of Easter eve.  It's Friday night and I know that with the excitement of the party and company on Saturday night that I won't get on this blog.  Anyway, a few thoughts here...

Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the promise of eternal life that Easter represents.  I think of Easter nearly every time I take communion and every time I go to a funeral.  But I also love the promise of New Life that Easter represents for the today.  If our culture would allow it, I think I would switch how I celebrate Easter with Christmas... with lavish dinners, presents and celebrations, getting together with family, lots of parties, etc.  I do love Christmas, but I love Easter, too.  So anyway, I hope to make this fantastic holiday, Easter, a BIG DEAL at our house.

There have been two times in my life that I felt an incredible sense of victory in Jesus.  One was when the twins were born. 

Third Time is A Charm

How I got into this mess!

My pre-pregnancy weight was very nominal-- (I am about four/five pounds heavier than that now).  It wasn't my thinnest, and it wasn't my heaviest.  But it was heavier than I prefer.  I had, unfortunately, suffered a miscarriage in April of 2008 at 13 weeks pregnant.  It was absolutely awful and my heart goes out to any other women out there who know the pain-- both physically and emotionally.   I am not sure what the deal was, but my hormones and body just always seemed a little off for several months-- which I believe did influence my weight.  I got pregnant with Dekker in July, and I consider my pre-pregnancy weight what I weighted at my 8 week appt.  So it was reasonable, but I don't think had ever really balanced out from the miscarriage.

I was super active during my pregnancy.  I LOVED being pregnant.  I walked our dog all the time, even went to the gym.  We had a beautiful summer and fall, and even a moderate winter.  I walked so much, and gained a beautiful 30 lbs.  By the time I left the hospital, I weighed about what I weigh now.

I nursed Dekker.  But here is where it got tricky.