No Offense...

Well, I have been having some moments of wondering if I will EVER be ready for baby #2.  I am not pregnant, so don't start thinking that's why I look thicker than normal.  In fact, just the other day I was at Wal-Greens giving them the $80 that my insurance won't pay for my birth control and the lady behind the counter says, "Looks like you have to pay full price.  Darn."  As I swipe my card I say, "Cheaper than a baby."  She laughed hysterically like I had said a joke.  No, mam, I've done the math-- trust me, it's cheaper.

Anyway, the other day on Kathie Lee and Hoda's extra hour to the Today Show (why oh why do I watch this?), Kathie Lee says to someone that she was prepared to love her second child, but was unprepared for the beauty of watching her children love one another, or something like that... maybe she was paraphrasing someone else??  That gives me some hope.  But I'm pretty sure that I should have more hope than that found on the Today show before I go jumping into things.

I used to say that I hoped I would get pregnant on accident because I was pretty sure I would never intentionally try and get pregnant.  I have had such a horrible go on birth control-- which is why I pay $80 a month for one that doesn't make me feel like crap-- and Dave and I did Natural Family Planning, (very successfully by the way-- I love the book Taking Control of Your Fertility)-- for several, several months before we "tried" to get pregnant with Dekker.  So it was possible that we would get pregnant on accident, but we didn't.   Where am I going here... ... I guess I just wanted to say that I am so glad that we did get pregnant with Dekker (intentionally or not) because he is such a joy in my life.  He is incredible.  And we did intentionally try because I had come to that place in my heart where I wanted a baby (especially after the miscarriage)-- even though I was NOT completely at peace about it.  I was a nervous wreck-- but it was okay-- better than okay, actually.  Now I'm wondering if I will ever come to that place in my heart again.  It almost makes me sad.

I do baby math at amazing speed.  And I know that if I want Dekker and his future brother/sister to be 2 years apart that I need to get pregnant this summer.   And that's not happening according to my plans.  Then I think-- 2 1/2 or 3 years apart?  Could I get pregnant between this winter and next summer.  Maybe.  Will I ever have a peace about this?  My friend once told me that she woke up one day and everything in her life was no longer baby.  Her little girl had grown up so fast and suddenly she just wanted another baby.  I am honestly praying that I will get to that place in the next year.  And who do I think I am?  I hope I can get pregnant as easily as I did anyway.

I worry about having to go through some of the awfulness again.  Like what if I miscarry?  What if I can't get pregnant?  I got really anxious at every ultrasound.  What if my second baby cries all day?  I almost cry thinking about that!  How would I take care of a screaming baby AND a toddler?  Or a not screaming baby for that matter.  In some ways I want a second baby to re-do a lot of those first 6 months.  I want to replace those awful memories and depression with something wonderful.  But what if that doesn't happen?  The chance that it won't is enough to keep shelling out $80 a month at the Wal-Greens counter with the not-so-funny-lady.

Then I think about how having a baby will change my relationship with Dekker and I want to cry again.  (Man, maybe I am pregnant-- so emotional.)  Nope, I am just not ready.  If I got pregnant tonight, I would be ready in 9 months.  But my heart just isn't beating that way.

Before I got a dog I had a lot of friends encourage me to get a dog.