Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Difference of One Year

First, I want to tell you about my fabulous Saturday:

* Dekker woke up at 8AM after going to bed at 7:30 the night before.  Dave was already up and I have a sore throat so he got up with Dekker and loved on him, got breakfast, etc and I had a really weird dream and got up around 9.

* We played with Dekker in the living room and got the kitchen together.  About 10:30 I took him down to his new swing under the deck where he sat  and drank water from his big boy sippy cup.  He was very content just to be outside.  Dave was mowing, and it was beautiful.  I didn't even have to keep pushing him to keep him happy-- he just was.

I potted my three back patio pots full of Impatients.  Last year these pots did great so I hope this is the case again.

Last Year's Pots:

*We came in from outside and made some lunch.  I took Dekker's highchair out on the deck where I also ate and potted another pot.  Then we came in, cooled off and played a little, then I put him down for his nap.
* Dekker's naps have very much improved, thank goodness.  He napped for 2.5 hours-- which is about average for him.  It's still on the short side in my opinion, but he very consistently wakes up about then.  Dave and I enjoyed the peace and quiet, I showered, and even laid down for awhile-- still not feeling 100%.
* Dekker got up, and we all went to Menards.  Got some more potting soil and some sprinkler replacement parts.
* Came home and played in the living room.  I potted the two front pots and I ran out of potting soil again and I still don't think they have enough in them... ug.  Did I mention that I also watered and fertilized all these said pots.  I am determined to have beautiful, overflowing pots that basically no one sees.

Just a few of this year's pots so far:

* Fab evening with one meltdown from Dekker.  He had dinner.  At one point Dave and I were both sitting in our chairs and he was just playing all around on the living room floor.  For almost ONE MINUTE I felt sad that he is this big-- big enough to look through the toybox, find what he wants, and pull it out and sit there and independently play with it!  What the Heck.  But on the other hand I was so relieved.

Last May we had a screaming baby.  I love this weather and I spent all my time inside praying to God that things would get better and feeling guilty that I wasn't more thankful and feeling in love with my child.  At that time I talked to a friend of mine who also had a screaming MSPI baby at one point in her life and she reminded me that weekends are usually a little harder because we have different expectations for Saturday and Sunday-- more laid back, restful... (like today!)  But 18 hours of screaming later, I was pulling my hair out.

Now do you see why I struggle to have another baby???

I am setting out to re-do things where I have bad memories regarding Dekker.  For example, when Dekker was still super awful but some better I took a trip to KC with Dekker and some friends to visit my friend Sarah.  We went to a restaurant called "The Elephant Bar" and I don't know what happened, besides having to order something MSPI friendly and Dekker blowing out of his diaper, but I just had awful memories of that place.  Later that night the girls so graciously gave me and Dekker the guest room-- a beautiful Queen sized bed with plenty of space for the pack and play and an office chair.  That night was torture.  It was just awful.  Dekker barely slept and around 6AM my friend Cari found me crying with him on the couch and she so graciously "relieved" me.  Recently, Cari and I and Erin went back to visit Sarah.  We went to the Elephant Bar where I had a great experience-- fab food and company.  I told myself I was re-doing the experience with better results.  Time to bury that old memory and let it go!  I slept in that guest room again.  I slept fantastic.  Time to bury that old memory and let it go!
This is a picture of Dekker and his friend Max, last July.  I am certain that when this picture was taken I was buying some red flats and Adidas sandals in the form of retail therapy and I love those shoes so, so much.

So today, I couldn't have asked for a better Saturday with my boy.  His little cheeks are too much for this Mama.  He ate like a champion (still no dairy) and drank like a big boy from big boy cups.  He napped.  He went to bed without fuss.  Time to start burying some of those old memories from last summer and let them GO!  After all, if we hadn't gone through last summer would we love this one as much?
Who couldn't fall in Love with this boy!

One last memory we can't wait to undo is last year's Labor Day family camp.  At that time my milk supply was really suffering and Dekker was (unknown to us) hungry and crying for hours.  Please understand that this is something I still struggle to forgive myself for.  I could burst into tears thinking about it.  This only happened on my days off from work, where he wasn't getting bottles from daycare, for about a 6 week stretch between 4 and 6 months old.  The family reunion was a long weekend away from bottles and by that Monday he was in fits.  He cried every night we were there, all night.  We were in a cabin with about 5 ft ceilings and Dave couldn't stand up straight.  So he was trying to comfort him while I cried and couldn't even stand up.  So he would walk around outside while I threw a fit that he was going to get eaten by a bear. Hindsight is so clear-- why hadn't we just taken formula "just in case?"  I could lose a week of sleep thinking about that.

Then, we ended up leaving around 5AM on Monday morning because Dekker hadn't slept all night (Dr. Leeper at Milkworks guessed he was getting 8-16 oz a DAY-- I would have been a hot mess, too) and we had hope he would sleep in the car-- so might as well get started.  Half sleep deprived we took a wrong turn coming out of Denver and our trip took on 2 extra hours.  Dekker cried for 13 hours that trip home.  No exaggeration.  In the car-- like a little box that magnifies the sound which you can't get away from.  I also cried.  We tried everything, including nursing him more and more which didn't help.  Dave said he couldn't cry because he has a 2 out of 3 person rule-- meaning one of us couldn't be crying and that wasn't going to be me.  Talk about awful.  That is one of my favorite weekends of the year, and I was so excited to show off our little boy.  But he was a hot mess, and so were we.  I was so upset we never even got a family photo by the Camp Colorado rock like I had pictured for a long time.  Can not wait to redo that memory and move on.  We are even contemplating flying, but Dave feels fairly strongly that he wants to enjoy that beautiful mountain drive with his boy.  Who is not crying constantly.  So unless Southwest goes to $49 one way nonstop to Denver (currently at $71-- let me know if you see it cheaper), we're driving!   I would love to post a picture from camp last year but I honestly have none.  So sad.

Well anyway, we loved this beautiful Saturday.  We're beginning the process of letting last year's summer GO.  Maybe then I'll quit talking about it all the time and truly move on in my heart.  One can only hope.

On the journey,



  1. Hillary CrawfordMay 23, 2010 at 3:10 PM

    Oh Stef, I can't begin to imagine that drive! I can see why you struggle to just jump in and have another baby. But look at all that you have learned from Dekker! You are no longer a new mom trying to figure it out. If you want your children close together just go for it. There is no perfect time....and you are not just making a decision to have a BABY you are deciding-with God's help- to create another human being in your family that will grow up and have kids of their own some day! How awesome is that? And as a side note-with the genes you and Dave are passing on-how could stop with Dekker?

  2. I love the way you are making new memories to replace those ones that are not so good. It is amazing what time does and how it heals so many things! I am really sorry that things were not better this time last year, but so glad you are making the best out of that time and this year is so much better. Lots of hugs!

  3. I love the added pics, really, love them!!

    I agree with Hillary-figure out what you want your family to look like, big picture...we all know it's up to God anyway, so why worry?!!

    And, if all else fails I'll take the baby until he's a year and give him back :)