I would say that of all things that I struggle with, worry is at the top of my list. Now, I am a counselor. And I understand that some of you struggle with clinical anxiety. This is the same, but different. And we won't go into all the details, but I am pretty sure that my chemicals and hormones are at appropriate levels at THIS point in my life (it has not always been that way) and that my worry is actually a lack of faith. I feel like I CAN control my worry, I just make other ridiculous decisions instead and let my mind unwind into a world where I feel totally out of control and, honestly, half insane.
Here are a few things I am worrying about:
* The crack on our front step. I am worried that it's going to keep separating until it's a huge abiss I have to leap over and may eventually find a child fallen into.
* That the weird dry skin spots on my son really aren't dry skin, and that all the medical professionals telling me that are really thinking in the back of their head "this is really unfortunate. We need to keep an eye on this one, it could be really bad but I don't want to scare this already anxious mom until I'm sure."
* That my dog, who suddenly likes walking on a leash and obeys on walks, is doing so because she is sick, weak and going to die. I can't imagine life without Josie.
* I'm afraid that even though I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight that I am actually far from my pre-pregnancy shape and that no one has the guts to tell me (and please don't start now).
* The same fears that probably every mom and wife has-- that something is going to happen to Dave or Dekker or even myself. I can't imagine Dekker growing up without me or Dave. Or growing old without Dave. Ug... tears.
* That something is going to happen to my parents, our siblings, etc. I in a large part must fear death. Though I know in my heart it is not to be feared, I just fear being left behind when other people die.
* I am in a constant battle to pay off all our debt and save because I worry one of us will lose our jobs, or that I will only have three clients one week (wait, that already happened) or that I will have six cancellations the first nice week of spring (oh wait, that already happened too).
* I worry that Dekker will rebel. From his parents and the church.
* That all the crap I have on Craigslist is not going to sell and that it will junk out my backyard all summer, even after I pay the landscaping man good money.
* That I will royally embarrass myself when I "preach" on Mother's Day at Stonebridge.
And here's the deal. I know people where all these things have happened. And it was AWFUL at the moment. And some of it is still AWFUL. But I have learned a lot by watching people somehow SURVIVE all of this, with great friends, family and faith.
I once heard a speaker, Dean Trune, suggest that worry is a form of atheism. Pretty strong language. However, there is something to be said that when I really BELIEVE GOD that I don't have to worry. I remember that I have a God who loves me, who wants what's best for me (even if best does not equal easy),who hurts when I hurt, and who promises that he's going to take care of me. If I can honestly allow myself to REST in this than I don't have to worry. Isn't worry the opposite of rest? Worry makes me exhausted! I feel that when I get to the point that I say "I can't do this anymore" that God says "Good. Put me in. You could have put me in a long time ago, and saved yourself days of worry and nights of sleeplessness, but I'm still ready now." Ah, this has happened to me so many times that I think I am finally starting to learn my lesson.
Oh, and I am back on the WW train. I have once again proved to myself that I can not "watch what I eat" with much success. I just watch the food go right in. Next weigh in: Friday AM.
On the journey,