Hello to Vision

For some reason I am certain that the four of you who read this just really want to know about my vision issues.  Really, you do, don't you.  You like to hear about my glasses and sunglasses, and... get ready... my contacts!

A brief review: I have worn glasses almost my entire life.  Like since 4th grade I have had a pair of glasses laying around that I would maybe put on when I went to sit at a computer or out to a movie.  Months would go by and I wouldn't wear them.  In college, I wore them more when I sat down at a computer or textbook for an extended period of time, more because I thought I should.  Then, like almost everything else in my life, this changed when I had Dekker.  I am telling you that I spent the first 6 months of his life squinting.  After much prodding, especially from my Mom, I went to the eye doctor and sure enough, I am one of the many who have a dramatic eye change after pregnancy and here is my new prescription.  I hauled everyone I know to Target and finally bought a pair of glasses.  And later a pair of prescription sunglasses.  And since then I can not take them off.  I am... addicted.  Turns out good vision is a necessity.  I have a cute pair of thick rimmed glasses that are a style statement and help me see.  Here I am in them in Vegas.

Well, anyway, they are always falling off my face.  And they slip even more in the summer if I sweat and there is no going about working out in them.  And they are always dirty.  After this holiday season, when I was uploading 100's of photos to facebook, I noticed that in almost every picture they were half off my face. At least, that's how I see it.  Like this...

So I decide that it's time I either get new, better "everyday glasses" or contacts. 
Then, after changing my profile picture to this random one...

... and getting tons of compliments I was CERTAIN that what everyone must have liked was me, sans the glasses :)  My mind is corrupt, people.  So after 14 hours on the phone with BCBS of Michigan and then VSP, my eye insurance people... I finally got an appt at a swanky West Omaha clinic, who happens to be close to my babysitter, on the way to work, and in-network. 

The eye doctor was about my age and was reliving his college swimming and football days, then made a face I couldn't quite read when I told him my last check-up was at Sams Club.  Yes, pal, I am not in the market for the Gucci glasses out there, sorry.  I'm more of a Target gal on a Wal-Mart budget, if you get my drift.

Well, on and on and on and 45 minutes later I have my new prescription, have watched the demo video, and after 6 tries ("boy, you have a strong blink reflex") he has the contacts in my eye.  Then I go to the "contact area" to learn from a qualified tech receptionist how to take them out and put them in.

First, the little contact learning area is in the middle of everyone.  Second, I have an aversion to things in my eye.  This is why Dave gave me the sudden look of shock when he asked what my schedule looked like for the day.  With over 25 rounds of pink eye (thanks again, Mono) in the last year you would think I would be good at eye-drops.  Nay, Dave has to put them in every time, four times a day.  Another perk of working from home.  Because I'm sure this is what Dave had in mind when he signed on to work from home.

So let's just say I was at the little contact area for awhile-- like nearly, oh, I'm not sure, an HOUR.  I, for the life of me, could not not blink when my fingers came plunging at my EYE.  My eye, people.  I only have two!  Excuse me, you want me to squeeze that thing off my eyeBALL?  Several people had walked by and casually asked "how's it going?" I didn't respond and the tech receptionist said nice things like, "coming along."  I didn't see if she was rolling her eyes because I was too busy trying to take something out of my eye, without seeing my finger about to poke out my eye, without blinking.  Mercy.

At one point I got so nervous I started making jokes.  "It's a hot mess, that's how it's going."  or another, "It's a train wreck over here-- look away."  I was saying positive statements to myself like, "You've breastfed a baby, surely you can do this!"  I'm not sure their Gucci loving, Coach carrying crowd was ready for me.  At one point, the contacts were STILL in, and I had an appointment in my office in like 30 minutes.  So I sincerely asked if I could just leave and figure it out with my contact-knowledgeable husband at home.  The lady informed me this is against the law.  So I just bucked up and may or may not have rubbed my left eye really hard to get it out.  Then somehow got them back in and ran out of there.  But only before my Health Savings Acct card was rejected.  (I just remembered I need to call them.)

All day at work I was sure they were falling out.  And I was panicked about how to get them out at home.  But nevertheless, I got them out-- with an audience (Dave)-- who was actually very supportive.  At one point he told me I can't hurt my eye and apparently that's what it took.

Are they in today?  No.  Maybe they are "work" contacts.  I'm still not sure, but suddenly I feel like I need to call the bank.

On the journey,
Mae

Thankfulness

I am sitting here uploading photos to facebook and shutterfly and onto my computer and my heart is overflowing with thanks.  When I think back to 2010, my first thought is that it was a really difficult year, namely due to several infections and a long bout with mono.  And a job change that has been very demanding and difficult.  But what a shame to focus just on this, and miss all the wonderfulness that 2010 brought...

... like my baby turning one.
... our five year wedding anniversary.
... several fantastic nights of sleep and a little boy who is a champion sleeper.
... a commitment to bootcamp and feeling stronger.
... great friends and an awesome family.
... Monday Night dinners

... and so many more things.  I will do a better job at counting my blessings this year.  I have a friend who does this and it is so inspiring.

On the journey,
Mae

Eleven Goals for 2011

I know many people who are "against" New Years Resolutions.  I'm not one of them, specifically.  I see a resolution as starting something new that you aren't currently doing.  I see a goal as continuing to do something that you may or may not already be doing.  I believe in goals.  All the time.  Long term and short term.  In fact, almost every week I make a list of short term goals. 

Here is my list for this week:
* Call insurance to clarify eye and dental benefits
* Make eye appt
* Make dentist appt
* Frame quilt square
* Pay bills.

I never assign my weekly goals a day of the week.  Some days I have more time than others, sometimes I get surprised with a little extra time, and some weeks everything happens after bedtime :)  If something doesn't happen in a given week, I carry it over.

So I love new years.  It's simply a chance to set some long-term goals.  Sadly, in the purging of my office, I might have lost 2010's goals.  But I remember purging the office was on the top of that list-- so job well done.  So was decorating the hearth room, and PTL that is not on my list this year for the first time since we moved here.

Eleven Goals for 2011:
1.  Completely finish the office remodel.  Paint, floor, floorboards, hallway, desks.
2,  Repaint two walls in Master bedroom and decorate.  ("Hello, Kim Hazlip, it's Stef")
3.  Make a few necessary changes to my work.
4.  Take two outrageous risks. (like maybe... Apply for the Dr. Phil show, run a 1/2 marathon, call Bo Pelini's wife for an interview which will somehow make me famous and save her husband's reputation... ...)
5.  Go to the zoo and Children's museum.
6.  Take a vacation with just Dave.
7.  Think about expanding our family.
8.  Eat out less.
9.  Think about inner beauty as much as I think about physical appearance. 
10. Stay active.   
11. Blog more.

What are your 2011 goals?

Happy New Year,
Stef

Mid-day Strong Life thoughts

Let's start out with a great big PTL (Praise the Lord) for nap time.  I love this sweet boy and I equally love the few hours of peace and quiet I get every afternoon.  Sometimes I run errands, sometimes I clean, sometimes I nap myself, sometimes I do relaxing things like blogging, and I usually do a combo of those things.  And please know my husband works from home.  I'm not putting Dekker down and running to Target while he's alone in his crib.  I promise.

Well I am nearly obsessed with living my strongest life.  Aannndd apparently I'm not alone.  There is an entire culture out there of people doing the same thing and I know this because they featured this blog!!  How cool is that!?!  I'm trying to act like I've been there before, but I just can't shake my giddiness.  

Anyway, in his book Marcus encourages us to "sweat the small stuff" as we search for "strong moments".  It's only by "catching and cradling" our strong moments, and looking into the details of them, that we can better identify them, learn about ourselves from them, and consider how that impacts our success-- in my case finding a job or rearranging my job so that it is more fulfilling and less draining.

Please note that the definition of a strong moment (and/or life) is this: Not what you do, but how you feel.  And you are searching for moments that help you feel effective and capable, hopeful, excited, joyful (a genuine "looking forward to tomorrow"), a sense of growth and focus ("time just flew by"), and knowing that your needs are being fulfilled.  Well, that's kinda several chapters into two small paragraphs but seriously, just by the book by Marcus Buckingham.

ANYWAY... I've been trying to think of strong moments in my life.  I took the Strong Life Test and my results came back as a "Weaver" and a "Teacher."  What are your results?  (Seriously, go take the test and post your results-- I'm super curious.)  Taking the test did help me narrow my thoughts and frankly, I think the test was spot on even though it very much surprised me.  The weaver is someone who likes to connect people and loves a web of relationships.  Well, this has me thinking.  I do love to connect people.  Like-- oh, you're traveling to Tampa where my cousin lives-- here, let me suggest a friend on facebook.  Or-- I know someone you should go on a date with.  (I seriously have long considered my gift of matchmaking a spiritual gift.)  So this fits me.  And it is part of what I love about counseling (I think... ...).

But as I have "sweated the small stuff" and tried to really think about things that I love doing, things that don't feel like work, things that energize me, I am certain that it is in the weaver-like things in me.  My sister-in-law Becky once told me I was a great "researcher."  She said to me, "I knew you were the right person to ask."  She was looking for something for her daughter, Ryleigh, who was in Kindergarten and is also diabetic.  I found an adorable little watch with a vibrating function which would remind her to tell her teacher she needed her blood tested.  Because the school nurse had 150 students to look after, you know.  (Don't even get me started!)  I looked and looked for that little watch.  It didn't feel like work, and I didn't mind the time I put into doing it.  I love this stuff!  That's a strong moment, right?  That's weaver-ish, right? PTL.  I need a beer.

Dear Marcus,
Are you reading this blog???  Can I be a weaver and connect people to people, but also to information, products, books, etc.  Can I make a living doing that?  Where??  Anyone?  Anyone?
Thanks, Stef

My secondary function was a teacher.  And, again, I know that is part of what drew me into the world of counseling and also why I loved the one credit I taught at Grace University this fall.  I intend to apply for some adjunct positions.  Teaching was a good fit for public speaking, another gift I love and feel energized doing.  Another love?  Writing.  Did you know my first declared major at UNL was Journalism?  I was on staff with the Daily Nebraskan for about a month and even had a few stories published.  But I hated the "beat."  I wanted to do feature stories.  Overwhelmed, I quit.  Those people slept under their desks.  Weird.

I am so overwhelmed by living my strongest life.  I'd like to say "forget IT!" and throw in the towel but that would be hurting only myself.  Like I said above, if even a few adjustments to my current job would help-- what's to lose? Maybe I do need to consider a new job, too.

In other news, the electrical inspector just came by and presto-- Dave passed!  So thrilled for him.  Another inspection for framing tomorrow and he might get to start insulation and drywall on the new office in the basement.  Soon he'll be able to work without wearing his winter coat... like he may or may not be doing today. :)

On the (strong) journey,
Stef

Random Ramblings

I have been away from this blog for so long now that I don't know how to get back.  It's like when you haven't talked to a good friend for awhile and resist calling her because you don't have four days to catch up.  But then my cousin Tisha sent me a sweet text asking about the ol blog, and my friend Kara offered a comment asking about it tonight, and my friend who answered the phone at NCC today mentioned it, and my friend Sara loves reading this and is literally waiting day-by-day for her baby boy to arrive.  Sara, if I can help the wait in any way, I will!  So to you four and the other three who read this, here is a little update. 

I have high-hopes for some regular posting here soon-- maybe even a little look back over some events the last several months.

For now we'll go with my fav style, the very complicated "bullet" look:

* I am having a crisis of career.  I work Tues/Thurs at a private counseling office as an independent contractor.  I don't talk about work on this blog hardly ever, and that is a conscious and ethical decision on my part.  But for the record let me say that I do love my job, but the hours are getting really hard.  I work with a lot of kids and families (which I love, love, love), which means a lot of after school and evening appointments.  Most days when I drop Dekker off at daycare at 9:30AM my parting words are "see you tomorrow, honey." That's because Dave picks him up from daycare in the evening and he is in bed when I get home at 8PM or later.  During the day I do see clients here and there and I try to stay very current on my paperwork.  Sometimes I have a little extra time and I take Dekker in late after we play for awhile.  Anyway, it's hard.  I once heard someone say that a person spends their 20's searching out what they want to do and enjoys their 30's doing it.  Well crap, I just turned 29 and it's not looking so hot folks.  Then again, 30 is the new 20.  So maybe in my 40's I'll have this figured out.

* My crisis of career can largely be blamed on this years Women of Faith conference and Marcus Buckingham's book "Find your strongest life."  I highly recommend you read this book.  It is totally worth the $12.  But don't read it late into the night.  Or you might-- just might-- stay up all night worrying about not finding your strongest life and stifling back tears.  Trust me, it's a long and lonely night. 

* I have a few fun Saturday nights planned.  This Saturday night my bestie Beth and I are going to Nebraska Christian College's Colors of Christmas program.  Should be fun.  The following Saturday I am going to "Roommate Reunion" with Beth, Kara and Natalie.  These are the girls I lived in "Big Blue" with in Lincoln-- truly the "glory days" of college.  Can't wait to get together with them.  How God arranged our schedules so that Kara from Utica, Natalie from Holdrege, Beth from Omaha who manages retail (and it's the holiday season!!) and myself could all be available and in Lincoln together is beyond me but amazing.  I think God knows what he's doing and I need this.  Thanks, Dave, for parenting alone two Saturday nights in a row.  I am so blessed by you.

* I had more bloodwork done before Thanksgiving.  Turns out mono takes awhile to get over :)  I knew this, but didn't fully understand what it means in the real life.  I feel much better, but my immune system is shot so I constantly feel like I have a cold and feel run down, tired, etc.  And I am battling pink eye round 412 as I type.   This does not help the career crisis mentioned above.  Actually, I think the career crisis might be part to blame for a low grade depression, feeling worn out and frazzled, etc which can lead to medical issues such as mono.   Or at least Marcus thinks so.

* I finished up an incredible Bible study a few Sunday's ago.  We tackled the sin of an undisciplined thought life and examined how our self talk can have lasting impact. 

* I am in bootcamp round 2 and fully intend to do round 3.  I feel great and love the resistance training emphasis.  The mornings are getting easier and I am almost to the place where I don't mind getting up.  I also am encouraged by a running book and am considering a half-marathon late spring. Though I feel stronger, my clothes fit well, but the scale ain't budging.  I need a little self discipline in what goes in my mouth.  Super hard this time of the year so I better start running!

* Finally, though I haven't written on this blog lately, I think about it often.  Like in a "when I feel well enough to be caught up but to not nap during nap time and maybe if I ever get caught up at work and write a blog post I will write about that" way.  So the other day the fb status of several friends without children caught my attention.  I had my "glasses" on where one only sees what they want to see.  You know them-- you have a pair too.  Anyway, people were writing about the lovely, relaxing day they were having watching TV, movies, putting up Christmas decorations, baking, shopping... what-have-you.  I had a twinge of jealousy as I literally chased Dekker around and tried to keep him out of everything non-stop.  I try not to be bitter, but its hard sometimes.  Just as this blog post was forming in my mind... we went to Lincoln and watched the nieces and nephews in their fantastic Christmas production.  It's a full scale 90 minute dramatic musical.  Awesome.  We took Dekker and he sat on our laps.  Risky.  But can I just say that he is the CUTEST kid.  Oh my goodness my heart overflows.  He broke out in enthusiastic clapping and cheering at the end of EVERY song.  He also cheered and clapped during dramatic pauses in the speaking, which wasn't as cute to everyone else but made my heart sing.  When the huge tractor came in at the end of the production, I didn't see a thing because I couldn't take my eyes off Dekker and the little "o" his mouth was making.   For me and my life right now, this was a reminder of God's goodness as if He was saying, "Enjoy this season of life."  Not that I wouldn't enjoy a season of  my DVR, but you know.  Mercy.

I have at least 30 minutes to find my strongest life here before I try and wind down for the night. 

Good to be back.
On the journey,
Stef

Welcome Home

Hello Friends.
I have so much to tell you about my trip to Colorado.  The retreat center really was a "sacred space" that I very much enjoyed.  The view was beautiful-- mountains to the west and plains to the east, and Horsetooth Reservoir visible from the "Eagles Nest."  Gorgeous.  It was a time of professional growth and a renewal of counseling skills combined with a new understanding of helping people who grieve.  And it was a time of personal growth, as I mourned with my new friends several losses and transitions in my life.  I can't wait to go back.  More on that soon when I have more time to debrief it myself.  For now, I can't wait to tell you about my trip home so far.

The retreat got over at 2:30 Mountain Time.  That's 3:30 Omaha time, so I knew I probably wouldn't make it all the way home.  I am exhausted, physically and especially emotionally and mentally.  So I came 1/2 way to McCook tonight, where I just had dinner with my sweet friend Amanda and have a breakfast date with my aunts and uncle.  It was a 4.5 hour drive to here, and it was white-knuckle driving for the last 3 hours.  I should first note that the first hour was delightful, and I called my sister-in-law Becky during the busiest time of her day to simply tell her that I think she should go on a Disney Cruise.  God love you Becky, that I was so out of the kid-day-routine that I did this and that you put up with it, even entertained me on my drive for awhile!

Back to the drive... I seriously contemplated stopping several times, but there was not a town big enough for a hotel the entire way, I swear.  It's a whole lotta nothing.  I wanted so badly to call Dave, but I knew I would burst into tears.  I prayed.  I sang.  I repeated positive statements to myself  ("It's not freezing.  You have some visibility.  You can do this.") I planned my own funeral and I only wish I was kidding about that.  I saw SEVERAL deer on the shoulder of the road.  It wasn't icy, but it was snowing, and that is like a blanket of white coming at your face in the headlights.  If you've ever drove in this you know it almost has a hypnotic feeling.  At one point, in a small town of Wauneeta, I almost called my dad and asked if he had a farmer friend I could just call up.  I was that scared, and just stressed.  Well, it cleared about 30 min outside of town  (PTL my prayers were seriously answered) and I am alive.  Thankfully, it was above freezing and eventually the snow turned to rain, so I could have some visibility again.  I had a bad feeling about the weather today.  I had been watching the forecast and knew it would be close.  I even told Dave on my way to the retreat today that this is not what I want to die wearing.  A whole week of death talk, you have to have some honesty and humor, right.

I got to Aunt Pats about 9:00.  I had the wrong garage code saved in my phone so I called my mom, standing in the driveway in the rain, and she still had it from 7 years ago when they lived in McCook.  Welp, lucky for me.  I get in and I heard a voice.  So I called out, "Hello.  Aunt Pat."  She has a gorgeous house that almost feels as good as home to me but I couldn't figure out where she was, why she was home, and what she was saying... Wasn't she suppose to be playing Bridge?  I kept my mom on the line.

"Garage Door.  Motion Detected.  Garage Door.  Motion Detected."
"Um, Mom, hang on a minute."
* Huge High Pitch Siren*
"What in the dickens is that?" (If you know Lynette that just made you laugh)
*Huge High Pitch Siren*
"Mom, she has an alarm."
"Just go push OFF honey."
"I'm trying."
"I can't hear you."
"Mom, what am I going to do?"
*Huge High Pitch Siren*
"Call Aunt Pat"
"I did, before I called you."
*Ring, Ring*
"Hello, this is Suzie with the alarm system.  There is a bulgary alarm going off.  Can you tell me the password?"
"No, I can't.  I am her niece.  Stefanie Rowe.  That's R O W E.  Um, her name is Pat.  Yes, I have her number right here.  I don't know who else is on her list.  Probably my uncle Ron and aunt Kelly.  No, I don't know their number off hand."
"Okay, thank you Mrs. Rowe.  Just keep trying to get a hold of her."
*Huge High Pitch Siren*
"Honey, go the garage, I can't hear you." (I love you Mom)

So I went to the garage and my mom got me my other aunt and uncle's number.  They live across town in an alarm free home.  They know the password.  And code.  After several tries and nearly bursting my uncle's eardrum, I got the alarm off.  Thank you, Ron.  But not before the neighbor called.

*Ring, Ring*
"This is Stefanie."
"This is Sandy next door.  Are you Pat's niece?  I thought so.  The police are out front."
(I wasn't avoiding them, I was in the garage!)

I had a friendly chat with the skeptical police officers.  I still had my uncle on the phone and I was so thankful that the alarm was finally off.  I think it was blaring every 4 seconds for a good 40 minutes.  I explained my story, which they made me tell twice--which I could with all the details because it was the truth.  They looked familiar and I thought about asking them what year they graduated but I thought better of myself.  As they were walking back to the now two police cars parked in front of my Aunts home, I said...

"I'm glad it works.  The alarm system.  It makes me feel safe for my Aunt Pat.  Thanks for your service." 

I think they laughed at me.  I stood in the driveway in the spitting rain talking to the sweet neighbor in her red shoes and sweat pants.  Nice lady, and apparently the other emergency contact who was called when I couldn't produce the password.  She called Aunt Pat.  So did I.  So did the alarm company and I'm sure the police.  She hasn't answered or called us back...yet.  She must be having a good time!

I think this will be a bridge game she never forgets.
I won't either.

On the journey,
Mae

Thoughts on Thoughts

This begins week two without boot-camp.  I have been walking/jogging on my days off and even made it to the gym once.  Whatever progress I am making I am losing with this bag of Halloween candy sitting next to me.  At least I'm staying ahead of the curve.  And seriously my jeans have a little saggy butt going on, and they're not just dirty :)  It's amazing to me how quickly I have gotten OUT of the habit of working out.  Dangerous.  I have not once thought to myself, "I missed my workout today" or "I feel like I need to go to the gym."  Maybe that comes after awhile, but for me without that class to get up and go to I have almost no motivation.  This is just good for me to know about myself.  On the other hand, I don't feel much better sleeping more so I might as well get up and work out.

Boot-camp starts again next week.  I won't be there.   I will be at a week long training in Fort Collins, Co at the Center for Loss and Life Transition.   Though this might not look like a lot of fun to you, it sounds thrilling for me.  The training groups are super small, less than 20 people, and the teacher is Dr. Wolfeldt, a renowned researcher, therapist, teacher and author on the subject of bereavement.  I feel very lucky that I got picked to attend this training (I think that is code for "I was willing to pay for it") and hope to bring some new stuff back to my work.  I am staying with some family in Fort Collins, which I am looking forward to about as much as I am not looking forward to the drive.  And... I leave Saturday and get home Friday!  That's a long time away from my boys!!  I am trying to really guard my thinking and focus on the positives and not dwell on the drive and being "away."  I'm thankful for a free place to stay, for the means to pay for the training, for the tax deduction it is, for some time away to chill out in the car, maybe even some time to read and relax in the evenings.

Speaking of my thought life, I have been loving the book Self Talk, Soul Talk by Rothschild.  It has been a fantastic refresher for taking my thoughts captive and changing how I feel by changing how I think.  I had an "ah-ha" moment when we discussed in group that saying untrue or hurtful things to ourselves ("I'm worthless," "No one loves me,") is SIN.  Let's call a spade a spade people.  The Bible is really clear that we are worth so much, incredibly loved, and forgiven.  Now sometimes our thought life can be somewhat of a reflection of truth-- though usually distorted in some way-- but is not helpful and is in fact damaging when we say it in such hurtful ways to ourselves ("I'm lazy," "I'm fat.").  So even if what we are saying is true, when we say it so awfully to ourselves we're not treating ourselves with the grace and respect that the Bible talks about.  We all know how to treat our neighbors, and that our mouths were made to encourage and build one another up-- and this truth needs to be turned INWARD, too.

Finally, we had a great time at the trunk or treat.  Dekker went as our dog, Josie, who he loves.  He refused to wear his costume all week.  Just the night before I put it on him and the only picture I could get he was tugging it off!  Suddenly, at the Trunk or Treat, he put it on and loved it!  Adorable.  We had a great night with our church family and do love this tradition.   Over 1200 people were there!  Wow.  Here is a picture to close this post.

On the journey,
Mae